Good enough

I am feeling uncool. I am feeling unhip. I am feeling like a loser. Can I tell you why? Not in simple terms, but I can ramble on here a while about my theory for this neurosis, further proving how far removed I am from all that is cool.

I blame some of this lack of hipness on my excess weight. I don't like my clothes. I don't like the combination of my clothes. I don't like my clothes on me. (Ooooh, and the thought of no clothes on me scares even me.) I don't like my clothing options when I shop. I don't like being this horrible in-between size. Do I see relief in sight? No, not until I get up and do something about it. Can someone please design something that doesn't make me look like I am trying to relive my teen years or that I have resigned myself to being an old maid. I am really not going for either look.

I think that some of it has to do with the hair. I had opted to grow it out after coming to the realization that my hair, as it stood, was too much darned work. So, alas, it's longer, it's simple, but it's Plain Jane. Sure, it fits in with my much simpler and scaled down lifestyle, but it's leaving me looking even more blaaah than I already do.

I stood before the mirror for nearly 30 minutes last night desperately trying to determine if my "movie-going" attire was cool or was it matronly. I still don't know. It took me a month to pick out cool tennis shoes. Shouldn't this be a natural instinct?

I walk around crumpled and in disarray all the time, too busy or too lazy to take a good look at myself throughout the day and it shows.

I fight this never-ending internal battle each morning as I get ready to leave. I don't want to go out looking like this. I don't want to go out feeling like this. This is not who I am.

But then again, who am I? Who do I want to be?

It's not just the outward appearance, it's the whole package. It's the whole me. I cannot, for the life of me, act cool, speak coolesque or even come across with one iota of coolness. It's true. It's true. I can't express myself in terms that anyone around me can relate to or understand.

I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling ugly, uncool and rejected by society. I don't want to hang my self confidence on what I suspect others think of me. I hate wanting to be someone I am not.
I hate not feeling good enough. Maybe that's what it comes down to. Maybe it's not about how I look or how I talk, but really is centered around not feeling good enough. I guess I can blame it on the weight. I can blame it on the hair. I can blame it on this wrinkled pair of pants, but what it really is that I am not good enough, inside or out.

As I am writing this, it's a catharsis of sorts. I am realizing that this has plagued me my entire life. I have always felt I fell below the bar. I have always felt not funny enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough. . . not good enough.

I think that when I look into that mirror each morning, it's not just about flattering attire, it's about lacking that enticing self confidence. You know, that kind of spark of self assurance that draws you to someone that possesses it? The kind of person that can be self-deprecating in a constructive, self-accepting sort of way? As opposed to self-loathing and regret?

How do you let go of that? How do you, as an adult, start to be who you are and be content in that. Does it come with age? Is it in your "upbringing"? Is it in the support you find in those around you? It is all you, all about how YOU look at yourself? What's the key?

To prove how uncool I am, I have included this shot of some of my office "art". Proof enough? Please notice the authentic Magic 8 Ball in the background. I shook it vigorously this morning and with much faith in the outcome asked, "Will I ever feel cool again?" To which I got in response, "Don't Count On It." I quit.