If you want me to like you. . .

and maybe you don't, but just in case, here are a few ground rules:

1. Do not say that my hair looks red, it's a light brown, get that straight.

2. Do not get me in a crowded room and turn to me with someone next to you and say, "You remember this fellow, don't you?" Because when the pressure like that is applied I can't even remember my own name, much less someone that I met when I was only five.

3. Do not be mean to my cats. I will forever hate you. I can't help it.

4. Do not refer to another human being as being "fat", "round", "heavy" or "having packed some on." Any way you put it , that's just plain offensive and I take it personally.

5. If I am ever crying in public, usher me from the room and shake some sense into me. I will be mad at first, but appreciative later.

6. Appreciate my musical tastes. They may not be yours, but trust me, we all have deep dark music collection secrets and darnit I love Abba.

7. E-mail me back. Nothing says rejection like an e-mail floating around in cyberspace.

8. Never, ever comment on my lack of cooking skills. Simply feel honored that I either ordered in or took you out to eat. Trust me, it's as much for your sake as for mine.

9. Keep my secrets. If I tell you it's a secret, it's just that not to be shared with anyone until you are released from the pact. To the grave, I tell you, to the grave.

10. Realize that I come from crazy folk, so cut me some slack and know that I always come back around.

That's easy enough, isn't it?

(Funny thing is that I like a lot of people, love a lot of people, so someone must have already circulated this list.)