Smooth by day. . . a mess by night

With everything getting back to "normal" at Chez Ragged, I have had a chance to clear my desk and my mind. Yesterday I didn't feel well and as a result actually left work early. I never do that, but this time, it was imperative that I lay down and lay down immediately.

I have a bit of a health issue that comes back to bite me periodically and for quite some time I have had a good run physically. However, the past few weeks (or maybe months, I don't pay much attention to such timelines), I have had more and more episodes. I am not really worried or concerned, just not happy that this may mean some sort of a maintenance medication. And, as you may or may not know, I am not a perscription kinda person. I tend to let health issues just work themselves out.

I am not quite sure why I shared that, except that it's foremost on my mind and sometimes typing it puts it all in perspective.

I am back among the living today and having a little anxiety over something so silly: a friend of mine is coming to the house for the first time.

Before I go any further, let me explain, I love our little house. I think I always will. We are moving not necessarily because we don't like our little abode, we just came to the realization that wherever we settled for good needed a few amenities that our home doesn't have: namely more storage, another bathroom (Cynical's foremost request), laundry facilities on main floor, room enough for two vehicles and maybe something more centrally located and without troublesome neighbors. We also know that if we don't move soon, we will become accustomed and too settled to look much further. If we were creative and had the cash and time, we'd probably try to make these changes at our current locale, but it's just not smart or feasible.

I love that our house suits my tastes. I love that our house is quirky. I like our old painted cabinets and mismatched door knobs. I love our off-center fireplace and our newly refinished floors. I even love that our little bedroom is tucked away as sort of a nest, away from the hustle of the rest of the house. So, it's not about keeping up with the Joneses.

I can be a very dual person. I tend to keep some portions of my life separate. And before you start chastising me for this, realize that given my profession it is a bit of a necessity. I am just sometimes very careful about which parts of my life I share and don't share.

Ironically I tend to be very, very private about my home life around most people. Funny thing for an avid blogger to say, eh? I don't know if people will understand quite how we have chosen to live. That's silly and I know that. I share myself and my duality with those I am close to and who I know will accept me just as I have accepted them.

I also look at things very differently than some of my friends and colleagues. I love walking through their new, beautiful homes. I love their expansive rooms and their beautiful furniture. I am impressed and awed. However, that's just not probably what Cynical and I will choose as our lifestyle. Again, I am not condemning anyone. I see that we all live different lives and that's what makes it interesting. That's what makes life wonderful: all of our idiosynchrasies and differences, sometimes on the outside and sometimes on the inside.

I tend to have friends from all walks of life, all income levels, all sorts of of lifestyles and family situations. I like diversity and I am pleased to be privvy to their lives and choices.

So, why then am I worried about showing our little house to today's guest? My visitor has known me for some time and never given me a reason to think she wouldn't take me just as I am. However, I do know that we lead two totally different lives. I value hers, I value her choices. I love her home. I covet her view. Why then am I worried?

Funny thing is that everyone will tell me that it's shallow to worry about such things, but I know, in reality, that everyone does. It's in our nature. It's part of who we are to think about how we come across to others. We want to be unique, but not so unique that we don't fit in. Trust me, we all want to belong. Everyone wants a place in this life and to be understood. You can't deny it. We hold back on saying this or that. We tuck away some part of ourselves and only show it to a select few if anyone at all. It's not a game we are playing, it's not something that we plan to do.

Thing is that I have also tried to live my life in a way that I can belong to a variety of "groups" and lots of people. I don't want to be limited in life to this set of people or this kind of club. I want to be able to float from sort to sort. I don't want to be pegged or labeled and I want access to anyone and everyone. Does that make a bit of sense or are you reading this just to see if at the end I let us all off the hook and refuse to make the bed for my impending guest's arrival?

This isn't something that I am aware of continually. It's just this morning as I was taking a look around, trying to prepare for the tour, it got me to thinking. And once I get to thinking about something, I tend to want to write about it and fortunately I have an outlet for that.

Bet you are wishing I talked more about socks and less about insecurities? I promise next time to lighten it up a bit.

On a lighter note, I am calling the new socks in progress: Jelly Beans, because, well I love Jelly Beans and Jelly Beans love me.