Balance eludes me

I'm cranky, I'm tired and I am blue. And what bothers me most about this current mood is that I know that I shouldn't be in this funk. What makes it more complicated is that I don't wanna be and I am frustrated by it.

I think that a combination of things have lead to this current state, none of which alone are fatal or even worth getting all gray over. However, for whatever reason, they have all built up and the result is a stressed and tired Ragged.

So, in an effort to turn the tables a bit, I have been attempting to review what has brought me down and balance those things with the reasons I should be on an upswing. Not quite as simple as I suspected, but somewhat effective.

You see, our bathroom is finished and it's truly lovely. But now we are seeing the little imperfections that add up to some disappointment. This too shall pass, but for the time being, we are picking that baby apart and that drives me nuts.

A busy weekend, remodeling, general upheaval and nights away from the house have all added up to mayhem at Chez Ragged. Drywall dust still coats everything, we ran out of wash cloths as laundry hasn't been a priority, framed photographs once happily on display in our living room now clutter my desk, cat litter is scattered across our bedroom floor and I have no idea where the mail from the past few days has landed . . . and the list goes on. For someone that craves order and admits to being obsessive-compulsive, this is a tough situation and right or wrong increases my anxiety.

This gets even messier when you realize I have no idea when I am going to tackle the mess that is our house, we are planning to paint this weekend (creating additional messiness all around) and have guests coming on Sunday to "inspect" our progress thus far, sure to provide not support, but criticism and general pessimism. Cynical and I, you see, are alone in our quest for a new place. Support and encouragement from those that should be providing it is non-existent. Flying solo on this project, it seems.

Lots of other "issues" are scattered in there: such as the fact that as much as I love spring and summer, the thought of showing any of this overweight and pale flesh literally makes me ill.

I miss my family, my brothers in particular. I am wishing they were near. I am wishing I could invite them over for dinner (even though the house is a wreck), open a bottle of wine, play some music and talk until one of starts dozing off in the chair.

And then there's money: money has always stressed me out: saving it, spending it, owing it, reserving it, making it. I have big plans for this move and big plans call for big bucks. I can handle that, it's all of the things in between that keep sucking more of my fundage than I like.

And then there's work. . . enough said.

There are so many reasons that none of this should matter, so many strong and substantial reasons such as the fact that I am loved, truly loved by Cynical. Each night I know that the man beside me is not only the love of my life (gush, gush), but the person that will stick with me through thick and thin, sick and sin.

And I am blessed today with a huge window that opens onto an incredible sunshiney day. It's gorgeous outside. If I am lucky, there will be a little bit of it left as I head out today at lunch and away from work this afternoon.

We have a gorgeous bathroom. Granted the shower curtain I chose is much less conducive than I expected, but it is truly wonderful.

Yesterday I got a chance to see new photographs of my niece. And she is lovely, and tiny and sweet. And soon she'll have a little brother or sister to call her own, to pester, to protect and to lean on.

I have friends. That's one blessing that I am reminded of daily. . . online and offline. . . and those relationships are truly important to me and precious in so many ways.

It's all about striking a balance between the blessings and the frustrations. Pardon me while I try to stack the deck in my favor.