It's a mad mission. . . sign me up

(Lyrical heading courtesy of Patty Griffin. . . forgive my obsession with her as of late.)

I like to be liked. It's my nature, but it's also my downfall. Cynical, a loner by nature, doesn't understand my need to be needed, my quest to be liked, my want to connect and my incessant desire to make people happy.

For those I love and love me back, this is a good thing. I tend to maintain long term friendships and relationships because it's all about the give and take. I am good at both, or at least I think I am.

I think, I truly believe, that there is no greater thing in life than to know that you made someone happy, you were there for them, you loved them, you cared about them, you paid them attention and you were their friend, confidant, laugh for the day or treat for the week.

I know that I am so appreciative and touched when someone returns the favor, listens to me, remembers something important to me or just keeps up with what I am doing. I am delighted to think they care, they came and they gave without taking. (Yes, that's a lyric from "Mandy" by Barry Manilow.)

As I have mentioned several times, my family isn't exactly astute in giving love, attention, affection and praise. I fear that with me the pendulum swung very far the other way. I never wanted anyone around me to feel the same way I did without those things. Maybe I pour it on a bit too much, but I worry that those around me won't feel appreciated and loved by me. That would kill me, it would break my heart if they, for one instance, didn't know that they were incredible, that they were a treasure and that they were to me, the best thing since Diet Coke in a plastic bottle.

The downside is that I find myself a bit tender when it comes to my feelings. I am a little too soft-hearted at times and get my feelings dented a bit here and there. That's my issue and I know I am far too sensitive at times, or most of the time. My loved ones have learned not to wear kid gloves around me and they put up with my weakness.

I have been distracted as of late. New hobbies, home renovation, stressful family situations, heavy workload etc. have put me in a bit of a fog. I seem to spend more time finding my way through the denseness of it all than picking up on all of the details I am missing along the way. Most of those "details" unfortunately seem to involve those I care about. No time to return phone calls or just not in the mood to converse via phone. Mixed up calendars. Being lax in following up. Forgetful during conversations. It's all adding up and I fear those around me are feeling the brunt. Used to me keeping up with the details of life, the idiosyncrasies of my relationships, I hope they aren't noticing the difference.

Now, I realize that their happiness doesn't rest in their relationship with me. We all have lives, but I so fear that I too miss knowing that I am in tune with those around me. It's rewarding to know what's going on. It's a good feeling to keep up with those you love.

I also like to connect with those around me. It's however, a bad assumption to think that you can truly connect with everyone, that you can somehow understand each person you come across and make a link. Not everyone wants to do that, Cynical explains, but I never seem to learn. At work, at play, I want to connect with you, I want to get to know you. This I have to give up per Cynical's insight. Some people just don't want it and sometimes people just don't mesh. I have a particular instance in mind right now and try as I might, I am not able to bridge the gap with this person. I am around her daily and for some reason, we can't click. I probably need to give up on it and cut my losses. Not everyone has to get along.

So, I am struggling to get it all together, refocus my energies and still balance it all. It's not systematic and I fear I will still miss a few of the high points, but I am going to try.

I never want those I love to feel the way I have felt in the past. It's my quest. It's my mad mission. . . sign me up.